Welcome to my first personal note, as seen in the title. I want to express my personal thoughts more often and in a less formal way than some of my previous articles. Might be a little self-centered, but I want to talk about myself for a bit too.
I’m trying to love myself more. I know that’s like a cliche line for young women in their early 20’s who are trying to pull themselves out of college-debt-is-too-much-depression. But I’m an 18 year old who has spent their entire life doing things and never enjoying any of it. I’ve been obsessed with getting out of the bubble that is Frisco, TX that I forgot that my life is in the present, not just the future.
I think what happened is I toured the college campus I’m going to be at in the fall and suddenly it all came together: my future that I’ve been dreaming of is so close. I’ve spent all of my life wanting to get to this, and now I’m almost here. Am I ready for it?
It’s kind of awful that when I’m almost out that I start to want to live in this moment forever. I finally have my coming-of-age movie friend group and I finally get to do coming-of-age movie things like run through a parking lot after dark from Wendy’s to Target. Like do a photoshoot in Target while not worrying about the democratic debate that was live. Like play Dungeons and Dragons at school every Tuesday until 7pm after jaywalking to Walgreen’s and buying a box of Poptarts and a bottled Starbucks Frappaccino. Like stay up until early hours of the morning with my friends that I haven’t yet met in person while playing Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel and yelling stupid things at each other over group call.
The 18 year long moment that I spent all of trying to get out of is ending and I’m realizing I don’t want it to end.
I’ve been waiting for this part of my future for my entire life and now I’m realizing that I’m terrified of it.